With Doubt in Tow

Ah, the state of indecision.

Sort of...

I really wish I could pinpoint the moment it creeps in, the very first dip of the toe into my safe waters and watch the turbulence that follows. It really is something.

At times it is but a ripple. A slight interruption in the stillness that makes you second guess its very existence…

At times it is but a gentle wave. A slightly passive aggressive force that challenges your stability and humility…

Other times it is a plunging wave. Dangerous without intention with a side of recklessness and leaves you gasping for air…

Then there are the tsunamis. The result of something shaken and fractured deep within, they are  devasting and dangerous.

To stand back and watch it all from shore would be something. Instead, I am rocking and rolling, sinking, and floating, through it all. Until I am not.

And it really does happen just. like. that.

Suddenly, and without notice, I am completely submerged. In the deepest, darkest waters.

Being alone in that kind of darkness makes you lose your sense of up and down, so you are left in a state of limbo.

Sort of paused.

I end up spending a goodly amount of time trying to figure out where the switch is and who or what flicked it. And then berate me for “wasting” time on it.

You really should be trying to get out of this, find your way up and out, to air…

But it really isn’t easy.

When you go under it is like being in a vacuum. You try so hard (SO HARD) to crawl your way to the  surface but the pull back, the suck, is stronger sometimes. Too strong.

It can transform.

Suddenly it is no longer indecision.

It has become lack of confidence.

Sort of…

I know I am good at stuff, but I never feel good enough at stuff.

If that makes any kind of sense.

It harkens back to the whole “Jack of all trades, master of none” idea. Something that both intrigues and terrifies me. But it is the latter I get hung up on, and in there is born the notion that I really don’t know what I am doing…

At all. With any of it.

How did I even get a ticket for this ride? What am I doing here?

And THAT, that gets stuck on loop in my brain.

So, then I refuse to do anything.

A creative protest, just one absent of creativity.

In this void, I cannot find inspiration or motivation. And I cannot execute ideas were they to come to me. There is just simply nothing to be done.

Because I cannot do anything!

It is maddening and triggering. I want so much to utilize the time I have been afforded to DO something, make something, create something, but my inability to believe in my abilities presents a hurdle far greater than I am able to overcome.

And it makes me sad. Sometimes sadder than the sad I was already feeling…

Being creative is a part of who I am, it is essential to my existence. Having it reside in me and yet be so inaccessible literally exhausts me. And so, I seek solace in sleep.

But it never comes.

I am left to wonder if I am worthy of solution.

Or if this whirlpool spins indefinitely.

Like drown me already. Please. Just make it stop!

I do appreciate that I have become a stronger swimmer.

I just don’t know if I am strong enough.

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