On Blue Monday I had a bit of a go…with myself. On, what “they” have deemed as, the gloomiest day of the year, I wasn’t very nice to me. At all.
The day itself wasn’t a great one. And that likely didn’t help matters much.
But I was pretty hard on myself.
And it started during my shift at work. Which went well enough, until it didn’t.
Here’s a bit of back story:
The previous Saturday I did something I had never EVER in my life done: I no-showed for a shift at work.
Totally my fault. Totally unacceptable. Totally caused me to have a full blown anxiety attack.
Lately, my mind has been all over the place, and somehow that shift ended up right out of my head.
Two weeks before, when I snapped a picture of the schedule, I completely missed that Saturday shift. I had recorded all the other shifts on my four separate calendars and in my planner.
And because I had recorded them two weeks prior, my mind was set on the shifts I had written down. Plain and simple.
Thankfully, that Saturday was terribly snowy and work wasn’t busy enough to warrant me shifting things around to come in for the remaining two hours. *face palm*
Back to Monday…
It was my first day back after my faux pas. And the anxiety levels were running pretty high. I was not looking forward to going in because a) I’m not happy there, b) I was terribly embarrassed, and c) the person in-charge was not my favourite and we had not worked together since the previous incident (the one that involved this person unnecessarily yelling at me in front of about 15 people and then trying to break the ice afterwards with a joke about my Diabetes). So. Lots of anxiety.
The work folks were okay about my missed shift. In fact, a couple of us even managed an awkward giggle about it.
But something felt off.
And not just my usual feelings of being out of place or off. And not because I was working with someone who makes me uncomfortable. I felt off physically.
So I scanned my Libre and discovered slightly elevated blood sugars. Trending upwards. FUUUUUUUUUCK. So, I corrected and tried to go on with my day.
But the correction didn’t work. My glucose levels were still rising. And the waist of my pants were wet…
FUCK! A leaker! My first-ever leaker…but a fucking leaker! At work! For fuckety fuck’s sake.
My pod was set to expire in a few short hours anyways, so…no big deal. And I always have a spare in my kit. So, no big deal. But I was at work. And it wasn’t my break.
BIG fucking deal.
But the next thing I knew, there I was, stood in the middle of the staff room peeling off the leaky pod and preparing a new one. Then I slapped that new one on and once again went on with my day.
I was actually pretty proud of myself. Not just for “nutting up” and getting shit done. But for caring enough to do it.
BIG steps for this gal.
Once home, I did a quick check of emails and messages. It’s no secret that I sometimes create for a bit of extra income. I paint, sketch, create arsty edibles and custom cakes. And in my inbox was a response to a quote I had provided someone.
And, of course, it was awful. The potential client’s message was so rude, telling me I am out of my mind for charging prices like that. This person even included a link to another business, the business they would be trusting with their order, so I clicked it. And it takes me to a page where the products being offered are less-than-stellar. And unrealistically priced.
I just can’t fucking even…
I try not to take it personally. But I can’t help it. This person was unneccessarily rude. AND, made a severely unfair comparison between my work and that of someone else.
Gah! Bah! Meh…
And then I am suddenly consumed.
And it’s a pity party. For one.
I don’t know why I even bother with any of it.
I don’t have a spot in this world.
I’m not passionate about anything…Jack of all trades, master of none…
I’m not good enough at anything to do any one thing.
What can I contribute?
What am I doing to have a positive impact or influence?
Is there something wrong with me? Like, beyond the fucked up bits we already know about…
Is it possible I have nothing to offer?
And that list goes on. And on.
But I cannot.
And I spend the remainder of the evening sad.
Utterly defeated inside.
Silently crying on the outside.
These feelings of inadequacy plague me every single day. Some days I can push them down far enough to deal with life. Other days they are so overpowering they completely consume me.
And even a super mopey, sad show bursting with catharsis doesn’t help.
And it sucks.
And you feel alone.
But you’re not.
And knowing that makes me sad, because I wouldn’t want anyone to feel how I feel how I feel or struggle with the things I struggle with…BUT it does make things a bit easier. Knowing that other people are out there…like me.
And while today is not Blue Monday, it is BELL LET’S TALK DAY 2019.
And it (like any day) is a good day to remind you…