My anxiety is still terrifyingly high.
But it is subsiding.
I am very fortunate to have some REALLY amazing people in life. AH-MAZING people. And it is because of them, the anxiety is less today…
Many months ago, I took a big step outside of my comfort-zone and registered for CAMP. But not just “friendship bracelet making, sing around the campfire” camp. But specially designed camp for adults with Type 1 Diabetes.
I signed up. I paid. And I immediately wanted to change my mind. But I talked myself through it and shelved it. It was months away…I had plenty of time to prepare myself for CAMP.
And then all of a sudden I did not. All of a sudden I had a few short days…hours really…and the panic started:
I’ve never driven that far alone, how am I going to drive all that way by myself? A Winter-grade sleeping bag or lots of blankets? I don’t have a Winter-grade sleeping bag…long underwear and wool socks, I don’t have those either! What if I don’t fit in? What if they label me the bad Diabetic? What if something goes wrong at camp? What if something goes wrong at home? I’m so far away…I’ve never left my family like this before…how will my kiddo cope? He’s with his Dad, so he will be fine. Okay. But what about me? How will I cope? I don’t know anyone. I’m venturing into the wilderness…almost a 6-hour drive away…what if something happens to me? Will I have enough supplies? They said to pack a week’s worth of Diabetes supplies. Is that enough? Will it BE enough? How many needles is that? How many test strips will I need? Do I need an extra sensor? How many Fun Sized Skittles should I pack? Will I have the right gear? What if I show up and they all look at me like, what is she doing? What if it doesn’t go well? What if it isn’t what I thought? What if I don’t fit in? What if, what if, what if…
I simply could not shut my brain down.
And I could not take it anymore.
So I made a call for help. And got so much more.
I turned to a dear friend (also a Type 1), from whom I draw great inspiration. She is an incredible woman, I am fortunate to have her in my life and honoured to call her my friend.
And she offered my the most tremendous advice. Gave me so much to think about. And even though my brain was so full, spinning…what she offered me allowed me to shift my focus. And my attention. If only for a few moments, and those moments were profound. She was so incredibly insightful. And gifted me a change of perspective.
Okay. Take the drive one hour at a time. I can do that. I love to drive. Take a different approach to it all, spin my worries in to excitement. BE excited. Look forward to all the good that can come from it…
Help next came from an unexpected place. My brother. He is a wonderful man, though I am not sure he knows it. A text popped up from him. He asked when my thing was happening (thing=CAMP). I told him it was a few days away. He expressed that I was doing a great thing.
I told him I was scared. And he replied, verbatim:
“Why are you scared? They have everything there to make sure you are alright. I think this is a great thing. Please embrace it. Trust me.”
I was not expecting that from him. I know he supports me and loves me. Expressing those things are not necessarily his strong suit, and to have him throw himself so solidly behind me was really touching.
Embrace it. Do not be afraid. EMBRACE IT…
I also had a friend send a message to check in, he kindly offered my his ear. He wanted me to know support was out there, and for that I am truly grateful.
My son has also shared some words of wisdom. He too has had some worries about me going away though he rose above those when I told him I was a little bit afraid. He told me to be brave. He told me to go and have fun. To go and make new friends. To share and to learn and to grow.
I asked him what made him say that. He told me, “that’s what you would tell me to do, Mommy.”
Damn. My own words. Coming back to bite me…
And then there’s my husband. He is my best friend. He knows me better than I know myself sometimes. Which isn’t really fair, because it means he can outmaneuver me! He supports me no matter what. He made sure I knew that all along the way…
He said I should think about it. He offered me every opportunity to talk it out, work through my fears. He told me if I decided to stay he would be proud of me. That it took guts to even sign up, that it would take guts to recognize my own limitations. That all he wants for me is to be happy. And healthy. However that comes about.
He has a subtle nature with his advice. But there is nothing subtle about his support and love for me.
And then there are all of you who took the time to read my last post (or any post!). That is very encouraging. On so many levels. And I thank you.
Decision time is about 36-hours away.