Imperfect Fit

We all have good days and bad days, sometimes those bad days an linger. And sometimes they are just always there, hiding behind the smiles. Struggle comes from trying to merge it all in to a cohesive unit.

We all have good days and bad days, sometimes those bad days linger. For me, they are always there, hiding behind the smiles. Struggle comes from trying to merge it all in to a cohesive unit.

We have all heard it.

You’re not quite the right fit.

But few of us live it. Though most of us might feel we do. At one time or another.

Odd Gal Out

If you have followed along here you will know that I have a bit of a complicated family.  More so than just trying to navigate the branches of our tree.

I have a number of siblings: two complete full/biological brothers, a half-brother (they make up the Brothers Gruff), a step-sister and two-step brothers. We have never lived all under one roof. We have never been particularly close (well, the Brothers Gruff and I were many years ago). And now, most of us have nothing to do with the others.

Brothers Two and Three are close; life and living arrangements dictated that though from what I hear (I have not seen Brother Two since the second wedding of the eldest step-brother back in 2010, and I have not seen Brother Three since shortly after he became a teenager – he will be 23 in just over a month) they share many similar interests and beliefs.  Far removed from my own.

Brother One, well, I hold out hope for him. I saw him last fall after he was witness to a horrific accident. And I continue to reach out to him with the hope that he will change his mind and give the ‘okay’ for our little ones to see each other.

Not only are the Brothers my siblings in a biological sense, but we all grew up around each other and so share some childhood memories and, perhaps, a few similarities. However, boys will be boys, and so they always had each other to hang out with.  And sometimes that doesn’t leave room for a parent-like older sister. I was always the odd one out.

I took dance, and played sports like they did, but undiagnosed Diabetes resulted in my carrying a bit of extra weight through puberty and so ended my dance career.  I played sports in high school for the first couple of years, but my interest in other things (like student politics) quickly took their place. Brothers One and Two were athletic wonders while I shone in academia. I cannot speak much on the subject of Brother Three since I left home to attend university when he was only six or seven (and then again when he was nearly ten).

So while Brothers One and Two gleefully chased each other around the acreage – we lived with bio-mother and step-father – I was sat in my room drawing and reading.  Then I went to live with my dad and mom.  But Brother Three was only an infant then so there was not much comradery though I adored him and doted on him.

I never had a real relationship with my step-siblings as a child.  They were more like distant cousins we saw once or twice a year at forced family functions.  Even reconnecting with them as an adult was odd and superficial.

In the end, the step-siblings all have each other (makes sense, they’re proper siblings who grew up together) and Brother One occasionally, as he remained living with bio-mother and step-father until it was time for him to embark on his own adult life (which was cruelly thrust upon him at a very young age), and Brothers Two and Three have each other.

I got me…which they will all likely agree is my own fault.

Oh well.

Hus-who?

I used to think it didn’t matter that my family and I didn’t gel well.  I used to think that having friends was overrated.

Because I had my husband.  He was my family.  He was my best-friend.

But now I have a whole new feeling of alone.  It is different than feeling like the odd one out in my family.  It is different than simply not fitting in to a group of friends.  This is a feeling that seems to be organic, growing and evolving no matter how I try and stave off the changes.  It resonates like abandonment.  Harkening to a feeling of not good enough.

I have posted before about bumpy moments in our relationship.  Not because I want to rally support for me and expose my husband.  Because I feel what we go through most couples do.  And, perhaps, sharing our troubles will help others.

And maybe even us.

My husband reads my blog. I have never posted something here that I have not first said to his face. I am very thankful that he supports my writing and allows me to work things through in this manner.

But something happened to us.  And I don’t know what it is or was but there is a rift.  A breakdown within our unit.  Neither one of us can pinpoint what it is thought I think we both would agree that it is like a festering splinter; we would have done away with it immediately had we known about it, instead it was left unattended.  The infection giving way to complacency doesn’t force the issue and so it just grows and grows.

Now I don’t feel like I belong in my marriage.  I wonder if we really are matched.  Or if we are just going through the motions of it because both of us are too scared to admit the truth.  We seem so different from each other. We have common goals when it comes to our home and our child, though I am not sure if we actually have those in common or if hubby goes along because that’s easiest.  A marriage should not be considered a 50/50 venture. It should be 100/100. Both parties must give it their all or there is no hope for it working. I tend to think my relationship is split something more like 160/40. And because I am doing more than my fair share, I am tired and losing motivation to continue.

I love my husband.  But I do not know how well I know him anymore.  He has changed a few times in our tenure together.  More often than not it has been for the better but lately I wonder if I know who he really is. I know he does not know me the way he would like to think he does.

And I don’t know if we can bring it all back around to a point of connection. Or if our unit has suffered a break down from which it cannot recover.

We talk openly about all of this. Perhaps, that will be what saves us.

If only the initiative could gain some momentum…

A Spoonful of Sugar

According to some folk I am a tough pill to swallow.  According to others I am too much to handle.  Some think I am overbearing.  Some think I am calculated.  A few think I am full of shit.  And I am sure there are those who simply don’t give a fuck. Others accuse me of deceit.  While some think I am too honest.  The ones that cannot seem to figure me out dislike me.  And then there are some who wish I would just go away.

I am who I am.  I do not force myself on anyone or in to any situation. If you ask for my opinion you get it.  If you ask for my advice I offer it.  If you ask for my help you will receive it.  All of it comes from a real and honest place. And always with the very best intentions.  It is not in my nature to be cruel or hurtful. I will always seek improvement. Of myself and those around me. We can always do better than we are doing.

We all walk our own path in this life.  Sometimes we are fortunate enough to find people on parallel paths.  Sometimes we are able to form a sense of togetherness with those walking alongside us.  And sometimes we find that we cannot see anything but the woods around us.

In those moments it is important that you are your own friend.  You will only feel as alone as you allow yourself to think you are.

3 thoughts on “Imperfect Fit

  1. Pingback: No Sense of Belonging | A Soul is a Resilient Thing

  2. Pingback: Change of Heart | A Soul is a Resilient Thing

  3. Pingback: CAMP is a Four Letter Word: Part 6 | A Soul is a Resilient Thing

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