As with anything, relationships always have room for improvement. Some things work and others do not. All relationships have good points and not-so-good points. But sometimes the line between those points gets blurred. And instead of it being some organic thing that evolves and changes, the relationship becomes a thing of complacency. Stagnant. Moribund.
And no one says anything about it. And yet, some people think that is doing something. The truth of it is the parties in a relationship like that are neglectful. They are uncaring and lazy. Leaving it there in an undesirable state allowing it to slowly die.
And when it dies, will someone call out the time of death?
Does refusing to do so mean death never actually comes?
We all approach relationships differently. And that, my friends, is why they are all different. That is why there is no recipe for success when it comes to relationships. Sure, there are some good foundation-building tricks of the trade, like honesty, communication, love, respect. But that’s all a bunch of flowery bull shit if you aren’t actually prepared or willing to put in the work to maintain that foundation. Those beginning bricks, while tough enough to build upon, require nurturing and support.
Or they will one day crumble.
People are tricky creatures. Hard to figure out. The very nature of human beings causes them to be unpredictable and surprising. Partly due to our emotions.
Maybe it’s the thumbs?
Whatever it is that makes us so also causes us to be unreliable. We human beings are very inconsistent too.
Some people over-share. Whether they mean to or not is debatable (and likely, something to be determined on a case by case basis). When I first meet someone I am not inclined to tell them my life story or shocking personal details. But quite a few people are. It is something I have noticed now that I am working again. I forgot how odd and giving of their personal information people can be.
I didn’t need to know that your husband doesn’t clip his toe nails while I sell you a winter jacket…
Perhaps, some people are more giving to strangers because therein lies the notion that there will not be future interactions. Could that be the allure of online chats and such? Perhaps, it is harder to be honest with people you actually, physically see all the time. Maybe that is harder because you will be held accountable. And likely, rightfully so.
We all have boundaries. Unfortunately, not all of us know what they are. And because of that, we struggle to maintain them. We struggle to tell others what those boundaries are and when they are being pushed. If we do not know, recognize and adhere to what our own limitations are it is unfair to assume others will. Especially if we have not communicated where the line is.
People get comfortable. A relationship will never be the finished piece of art people like to think it is. Or want it to be. A lot of folk find someone who “gets” them or “lets” them be themselves and then they stop. It isn’t that I don’t understand why people do this. In fact, as I said above, we human beings are lazily natured. I figure that’s all the explanation necessary but what I struggle with is how we arrived at the notion a relationship doesn’t require work.
Most artists (being one I feel comfortable expounding) do not throw a few lines on a page or splash some paint on a canvass and call it a day. Some can. But most do not. There is often a lot of planning, sketching, etc. that goes in to a singular piece of art. I have pieces sitting down in my studio that are from years ago. Sometimes I will scoot down there and rework them or work on them when I feel inspired. Sometimes they sit there for…years. And, if I decide that I cannot complete the work or if I lose my inspiration or change my direction, I erase the drawing or paint over the picture.
As a rough sketch becomes a plan then a sketch and then a painting it goes through changes. Many sometimes. And so do relationships. We need to remember that. There will always be work to be done. And sometimes it will be a lot of work. Other times so little it is barely noticeable. Like customary maintenance.
A conundrum by any other name…
No relationship is perfect. All relationships experience problems. And anyone foolish enough to deny that fact is…well…foolish. Not all difficulties rise to the surface. Not all troubles are obvious. Sometimes the issues are so well hidden it would appear as if they are not there at all.
My husband reads my blog. He will probably click the old LIKE button down at the bottom of this post. A sign of support.
But we have problems too. We have had financial troubles (on several occasions). We lived with my mother-in-law for several years and that was not easy. We have both been through various jobs during our time together (not to mention, when we met we were both in school). And we have been through A LOT of health related things. Right now, we are in a period of transition.
I was on the verge of twenty-two when hubby and I got together. Now into my thirties it is fair to say that I have changed. Though to say I have done so dramatically would be wrong. I am the same person but life and experience have shifted my focus. Changes in life should change us as people. From those changes we can experience and perspective. That alters you.
Hubby and I have decided to reassess our relationship. There is no doubt that we love each other. We just want to make sure that we are doing it healthily. Properly. Because I do not think we are loving each other right. Right now. I think we can do a lot better. A LOT better. I know that I am always honest with him. Almost. I am not very good at hiding how I feel and I am the world’s worse liar so hubby is always aware of where I am. But recently I had to let him in on a little secret I had been keeping from him. And that secret (now no longer a secret) is that I want out…unless there are some serious and dramatic changes.
The Winds of Change
I hope this time hubby takes the bait and changes. I really do not want to flip the kill switch on our relationship. But I also want (and need) to be happy.
Neither of us is a perfect person. Hence our imperfect relationship. But one of us is working harder than the other and that is no kind of equal partnership. Like the one we discussed working towards…way back when before we were married. Since I had never been one to want to get married, I insisted we have a very open and brass tacks kind of pre-marriage chat. Laid it all out. On the table.
We had another chat like that this weekend. Our little one was with my parents so there was the freedom to discuss things in the absence of tiny (and always listening) ears. I think a few things got sorted. Unfortunately, time and action will prove if they really did.
Sometimes the weather changes without warning. Sometimes the weather we get is not the forecast that was predicted. And sometimes that is okay. Because it allows to see what we are made of. What we can handle. Sometimes it is a test to see how prepared we really are. And sometimes, well, the weather just fucking sucks.
But every storm passes. Every dark cloud dissipates. Eventually. Giving way to sunshine.