Today is subpar. And I fear I cannot properly formulate the words to let you in any further. Truth? I don’t have all the details.
I knew it last night. And I also knew there was nothing I was going to be able to stop. The destiny of the week that lies ahead (and OMG, what a week it is going to be – I start work, have lots of appointments, a few artsy edible orders, a concert with the little guy, school picture day, Thanksgiving, and more!) is in the hands of others. I have no recourse and very little say. And that is giving me unbelievable stress and anxiety.
As I previously mentioned, I scooped up a seasonal part-time job. I start tomorrow. But they haven’t given me any further schedule details which really isn’t settling well with me. And that is part of where my anxiety is coming from…I know my start time, I do not know when I finish or if I work again this week. ARGH. My blood glucose levels rise at the very thought of it all. And so throws my mental and especially my physical health in to a tizzy. No good.
I can physically feel the change. As the stress arrives. Nestles in and makes itself at home. I can feel it. The increase in the sugar levels. The anxiety slowly creeping from the depths where it casually and constantly lingers. The panic. The doubt. It emerges on the tips of shaky fingers. Seeps through in a cloud of confusion. And it pulls all of those other nasty thoughts up and out with it. Whether I want them set free or not. The mental anxiety takes over and becomes the focus. Forcing neglect of the physical. And, for me, that can be catastrophic. Even deadly.
What do you do when rolling with it simply isn’t an option?
I had a birthday last week. I do not say this to evoke birthday wishes from you all. I say it because I think that it is relevant. How we approach aging and birthdays is as unique as the individual. My husband uses his birthday to mark the beginning of his personal calendrical year. Some people like a BIG party. I prefer to celebrate quietly. No party. Simple.
This year I had a lovely birthday. I was able to have my folks and my nana over just before my birthday and just before my folks headed south. We did a joint celebration for my father and I, just like the old days. Lovely. Then, on my actual birthday, I was spoiled by the boys. Which meant lots of family time, homemade cards and a lovely birthday song from my favourite songster.
Am I nuts?
Sometimes I feel like a nut…
Sometimes I don’t…
My birthday didn’t deter too much. I had work to do and plugged along. I really thought I was on top of things. I really thought that I was going to be able to handle everything. I really thought this time it was going to be different. A little part-time job thrown into the mix wouldn’t derail me.
Or would it?
I would argue that we all suffer from some level or degree of mental illness. Or anxiety. In today’s world I think it is reasonable to assume we all have things we struggle with yet so many people hide these things, so many people refuse to acknowledge their own troubles and stay off to the side, quietly judging those who do not fear the truth. I have no bones about it. Ask and I will answer. Present a cause and I will advocate. People need to realize that mental illness, anxiety or whatever name you would like to give it, is a very present in today’s society. And we all need to be conscious of it. So we can finally begin help each other. And possibly heal.
I have been called crazy. I have been told to relax. I have been told my actual diagnosed physical maladies are all in my head. That it is all in my head. I have been ignored. Left alone to suffer silently. I have been judged. Harshly. Unfairly. I have been misunderstood. I have been ostracized and alienated. Even from myself. I have been told I am not worthy to raise my child. And none of this was from strangers. So that makes it even more difficult to process. But I have a response to all the people who think any of these maladies are just in our heads, FUCK YOU.
So. Why when a day like today happens, when my plate is overwhelmingly full, when it feels like all I have set in place is slowly floating away, when I feel like I am about to drop all the balls, when I feel like I am going to let everyone down, does it leave me asking, am I nuts? Because it is completely frustrating to lack the ability to organize your thoughts when that is all you need. And when you cannot position things neatly and nicely, in a manageable order, that’s how you feel.
What does it all mean?
I apologize for the scattered nature of this post. It is totally selfish of me. I didn’t think at all about my readers today. I only thought of myself. This post was necessary. As a means of therapy possibly. Maybe it was medicinal.
We all struggle. At some point. Some of us daily. Some of us infrequently. But struggle we all do. Some of us loudly. Many (far too many) in silence. Even more struggle alone.
My hope is that a post like this will create dialogue, even just with yourself. My hope is that if someone out there is having a similar day it will turn around because they now know they are not alone.
My hope for a post like this is connection. Either with myself or you out there…
4 thoughts on “Feeling Nutty”
Oh dear, I am so sorry to hear you are going through this right now. If it helps, just this morning I was reflecting on anxiety. At one time, it was a major theme. In the dictionary, you know the joke, my picture was next to the word. I had a lot going on… working major overtime, shitty relationship, living in a dump in a not great part of town, my mom had died… I recall finding the word “anxiety” and saying, “Yes! That explains it!”
Things got better, years passed and almost thirty years later, I still live with anxiety, of the low-grade just under the radar kind.
All this to say, I know anxiety. But not the kind you know. I’d wager yours is at least an order of magnitude greater.
You are not nuts.
You are courageous and insightful and trying to juggle flaming spears, axes, and running chainsaws. I’d say you are caught between doing the job and taking cover. For damn good reason.
I will keep you in my thoughts. Best wishes tomorrow.
Thank you so much. For your kind words. For sharing your own experience. And for the spears, axes and chainsaws…that bit gave me a much needed chuckle.
While I seem bitchy about it all, I do find myself occasionally grateful for my bouts of anxiety. I find they allow me a reset other emotions/moods/circumstances do not. However, today I am just anxious. Not grateful. Lol. Truth be told tough, I am proud I made it through the day with very little aggravation to my blood sugars. And without a total meltdown. But I can promise that while I am giving myself credit for making it through (alone too, Big Joe had to work today), I might just become a puddle when hubby arrives home.
Cheers for the kind wishes for tomorrow…I will likely have something to say, or rather post, about it all. 🙂
Pingback: CAMP is a Four Letter Word: Part 5 | A Soul is a Resilient Thing
Pingback: Am I a resilient thing? | A Soul is a Resilient Thing