I sit here. Alone. In the house. This house. First-time ever.
And I heave a heavy sigh.
I don’t know what to do with myself.
What to do with all this sky…
My little guy is in full day kindergarten (holy shit, that came up quickly!), and my husband is off to work. I am a full plate kind of gal. It was suggested to me by several people that I take some time for myself. To relax. But I am struggling. How does one do that? Relax? The word and its meaning are not lost on me, but foreign. Enough that it makes me feel a bit awkward. The stillness of it troubles me. Makes me anxious. Really anxious.
That’s weird, right? To be apprehensive and adverse to relaxing or taking it easy? Probably.
In the few short moments I have had to myself this morning I have discovered a whole world I was not aware of…
I have never been much of a TV person. I like movies. I am a movie junkie. Or I used to be. I loved going to the movie theatre by myself back in the day. Sure, there’s a couple of shows I like to follow. I PVR them so I can avoid commercials. I dislike them so. I love the commitment of a movie. And the brevity. Anyways. I have never really been in to shopping on television (or otherwise), talk shows or soap operas. And that seems to be what it is full of. Shopping, talking and soaping. Bleh.
But why am I even watching television?
It’s such a beautiful day, maybe I should mow the lawns?
Honestly, I am plunked down on my micro-fibre sofa in our family room (which is an addition they put on back in the 1960s and is more like a sunroom), television on, laptop before me and all of this spewing from my fingertips. I have the television on for noise. I think. I was hoping it would help me focus. While I like a full plate, that is often a choice, my full mind is something I seem neither able to control nor get a handle on. It simply races constantly.
I thought the absurdity of the boob tube would align my senses, at least I was hopeful…
Lost in Thought
I work daily to keep my brain operating properly. My faulty memory is not my only brain issue. I also struggle with momentary confusion. Different than that brought on by irregular blood glucose levels. These moments are often exacerbated by dips and cause elevations. Needless to say, times when this happens is not only frustrating and disappointing, it is quite devastating. A shocking reminder that my physical self is not where I think it should be. Or want it to be.
Is that even fair? I have Type 1 Diabetes, some beat up insides (one kidney in particular), a wonky-ish heart, Dysthymia, IBD, CVS, and a brain injury…
Beyond the daily attention to pay to all of my health woes I have to be careful I do not get analysis paralysis (a term coined by my hubby and a college friend during one excruciating statistics course) about the rest of the my life. And that is really hard. I am plagued often by the how can we improve this thoughts. Not that my family and I have a terrible life. Just some things we need to improve.
Like a lot of people, we get by day to day…barely. We have made several big and literal moves to better our lives recently. And while things got immediately and immensely better we are still settling in, finding our place. But I have worries. There are things I think we should be doing. There is more I want to be doing. But I can’t seem to sort it all out. Make it make sense. I can’t ease my own mind. And it makes me feel like it is all going to get away from me. Without the chance to even try to stop it.
Am I crazy? Like really crazy?
I understand that it is normal to worry. What would not be normal is not to. But I still worry I worry too much. And that’s a worry because it CAN negatively impact my health. But I can’t help it.
And it is debilitating sometimes. Crippling.
I wonder if it will ever…
My house is empty. I’ve accomplished all of my committed chores (dishes, tidying up, mended holes in Stompy the dinosaur and a stuffed Woody – ahem – from Toy Story, walked the dog) with the exception of figuring out dinner. That’s a goodly amount of stuff. Surely a break is not too out of line…
But can I even enjoy it? I mean, there’s so much to do! I have a binder of things that need to be done around the house, we need to bring some more income in, how can I find more business, is the wee one having a good day at school, what are we going to do for dinner tonight, should I mow the lawns, maybe pull the weeds that have popped up, should I work on my cross stitch that I have had on the go for something like six years (yes, years!), should I paint something, bake something, clean something…
Whatever the day ahead brings, I will face it as I do everything else. As it comes.
Maybe the best thing I can do for myself today is to just take it as it comes…
7 thoughts on “All by Myself”
Kinda like hitting a wall going full speed, eh? Disorienting, unfamiliar, jarring. I think you are on the right track, to take it as it comes and to allow yourself to settle into the new rhythm.
Thanks Maggie. And yes, it very much feels like that wall. It will all likely settle and feel “normal” at the end of June! Ha ha 😉
Yeah, I hear ya. I’m still getting used to not having to leave the house in the morning to go to school or work. That started two years ago. Huge chunks of idle time can be very intimidating. There is a very real self-imposed expectation to ‘do’ something.
Oh gosh, yes. And I’m no good with idle time, even small chunks!
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